The Story of Bob and Sally
In Kicking Habits, the story of Bob and Sally is divided among the chapters. Here it is again as single narrative. Read it once more in preparation for further study.
“Allow me to introduce you to ‘Bob and Sally Public’. Their real names may be Boris, Juan, Said, Hung, or Takemura, and Mariska, Maria, Linh, or Zarpana. They may belong to any number of North American subcultures or ‘publics’. They may be married, divorced, divorced for the third time, single, living together, parenting their own children, or parenting children from their present partner’s past partnerships. They may be any age, any economic level, and have any educational background. Whoever they may be, they share five things in common:
- Bob and Sally are simultaneously bored and frantic.
- Bob and Sally wrestle with low self-esteem and broken relationships.
- Bob and sally wish they had a better life without knowing what it would be.
- Bob and Sally usually do not leave home Sunday morning is unless it is to play softball or buy the morning paper.
- Bob and Sally live next door to you.
Bob and Sally represent the fastest-growing segment of the North American population. They are the “Gentiles” of the new millennium. They are the spiritually yearning, institutionally alienated public.
Bob and Sally have changed forever the meaning of that simple phrase ‘going to church’. It used to mean an intention to attend worship an hour a week, and a commitment to support a charitable institution. In the new millennium, it means a yearning to experience God through the week, and a covenant to be involved in Christian mission.
Bob and Sally probably cannot accurately describe in advance what they are seeking in a church. They may only be ‘church shopping,” and their ’shopping list’ may well not reflect the spiritual foods that in the end will truly satisfy and fulfill. Their list may include:
- ‘center aisle sanctuary’
- ‘good nursery’
- ‘low financial expectations’
- ‘friendly people’
- ‘nice minister’
but in the end they may well gain all of these and still drop out of the church. It is the system of church life that will be crucial to Bob and Sally. It is the whole flow of spiritual experience that will be vital. It is the coherence and value of the whole movement from seeker to servant, and from healing to healer, that will hold them in the life of the church. Their initial shopping list will fade into secondary importance. What will determine their future participation is whether or not the church has help them go deeper, soar higher, see farther, reach wider, and live better one day at a time.”
Frustrated Church Shopping
Bob and Sally Public have come to St. Friendly-on-the-Hill Church with their young family.
A lay greeter welcomes them as they enter the narthex, and provides them with directions to the coat racks and washrooms. The greeter also gives them “Newcomer Name tags”, and introduces them to other members of the church, and eventually, to the minister.
“Reverend,” Sally says, “we’re new in the neighborhood, and we would like to make friends in the community. We also want our kids to start learning Christian values in your Sunday School…….and, oh yes!……our new baby has not been baptized.”
“Fine, fine,” replies Rev. Enabler. “Here’s a booklet about our church and denomination. There just happens to be a Baptism Class beginning this week for six sessions, so we can discuss it. Now let’s introduce the kids to their Sunday school teacher, and then grab some coffee.”
In due course, the kids are enrolled, the baby is baptized, and Bob and Sally become recognizable figures during coffee hour. Soon people know them by their first name. Before long speculation begins as to Sally’s suitability for nursery care leadership, and Bob’s potential for the Finance Committee. (It turns out he is an accountant! Hooray!)
A year later Bob and Sally have “gone missing”. It happened slowly. First they only appeared in worship every other week…..then the kids began appearing in Sunday School every other week. Then less. Elder’s visitation reported how busy a dual career couple could be, and how hard it was to attend regularly with young children. They appeared again at Christmas……then the pledge was discovered to be in arrears.
“No, no”, said Sally on the telephone with the church secretary. “There’s no problem. We really love you folks. You’re so friendly. Everything’s fine …. we’re just so busy!” And yet, a year later, Bob and Sally have vanished into the spiritual fog.
Did They Find a Good Church … or Did a Good Church Find Them?
Bob and Sally Public have come to New Hope-in-the-Heart Church with their young family. A lay greeter welcomes them as they enter the foyer, and personally introduces them to the trained Nursery Staff who will care for their toddler, and the trained Children’s Ministers who will lead the Sunday school. The security system to keep the children safe is briefly explained. Bob and Sally are then lead back to the foyer where they already hear loud, rhythmic music and singing. “Just go on in and sit where you like!”, says the greeter. “It’s great to meet you!”
As Bob and Sally walk toward the Worship Center, they see all around them visual displays of missions, adult faith development opportunities, and spirituality groups that are available. The worship experience is fast-paced, dramatic, visual, and requires no printed helps. The Message-Sharer seems to be speaking directly to them. Trained Lay Counselors around the room occasionally interact with participants with a laugh, a hug, or a conversation. And the music never stops. Bob and Sally feel glad they were there.
During Refreshment Time, one of the Lay Counselors talks with them. “We used to go to St. Friendly-on-the-Hill Church”, says Sally with some embarrassment. “The truth is, we lied to them …or maybe we lied to ourselves. Anyway, we told them we wanted to make friends, but the truth is we already have a great bunch of friends in the Softball League. “ Here Sally takes a deep p breath. “And we told the Minister that we wanted our baby baptized, but the truth is I WANTED TO BE DIFFERENT.”
A year later Bob and Sally still do not know everyone by their first name, but they attend a small, intimate, spirituality and faith development group every week in a participant’s home. Neither Sally nor Bob belong to any committee, and rarely attend church meetings, but each is passionately involved in a mission. People who know them say they have changed. They never miss a Worship Service, even during the summer.
Dare to Compare!
Occasionally with friends, Bob and Sally Public reflect on their very different experiences with St. Friendly-on-the-Hill Church and New Hope-in-the-Heart Church. They are not quite sure why these two churches are so different. Many specific things come to mind. St. Friendly’s uses a long printed bulletin in worship, does everything through meetings, recruits as many people as possible into offices, and is always worried about money. New Hope prints newsletters and produces videos, does everything through small spirituality cell groups, encourages people to do spiritual gifts discernment, and is always thinking about new ministries.
Bob and Sally are aware, however, that these specific contrasts do not explain the core of the difference. There is simply a different “spirit” about the two churches.
Bob and Sally remember vividly two parallel conversations they had with the pastoral leaders of these churches. Some years ago, St. Friendly-on-the-Hill Church received a new Minister. Bob and Sally asked him one day if he had found it difficult to enter into the life of a new church. His response was as follows:
“No, Bob,” he said. “It’s true that St. Friendly’s is unique in many ways. The sanctuary is more beautiful than many in which I have lead worship, and the organ is the best I’ve ever heard. And its true that there is a harmony here that many churches have yet to achieve. I’m glad I came here. The fact is, however, that every church I have served is basically the same. They all seem to have the same group of unusual personalities. They all have trouble keeping the youth involved. An annual deficit is always a burden, and the basic categories of church programs look pretty much alike. Walk in to any church of our denomination, and you will feel at home. I guess it’s part of our church ‘ethos’.”
In contrast to this conversation, Bob and Sally remembered talking to the Pastoral Leader of New Hope-in-the-Heart Church. He was sharing his experience of his first years with the congregation.
“Sally,” he said, “it was tough. Within weeks I realized that New Hope-in-the-Heart Church was unlike anything I had experienced in past congregations. It wasn’t just that people had different names for programs, or that the sanctuary didn’t have a pulpit. People just behaved in ways I didn’t expect. Routine things I used to do, that were quite effective, didn’t work here. On the other hand, some things I did by chance, or by simple intuition, seemed to succeed beyond expectation. The truth is that my seminary never equipped me for this kind of church, and I had a lot of learning to do. When my colleagues visit here, they know it’s a whole new ‘ball game’!”
Call it a “new ball game”. Call it a “different spirit”. Call it a return to “First Century” church experience. Bob and Sally have trouble putting their finger on the essential difference. They just know it is a different system of church life.
Inside New Hope
Bob and Sally Public have been involved in New Hope-in-the-Heart Church for long enough to know that it is different from most other churches they know in the area. The “evangelical” churches are perplexed that New Hope-in-the-Heart Church celebrates transforming personal experiences with God, and yet does not impose an extensive doctrinal agenda with which people must agree. The folks at New Hope-in-the-Heart Church seem to have an unsettling freedom to discover and define their faith for themselves. The “mainline” churches are perplexed that New Hope-in-the-Heart Church releases so much energy into the community for social reform and charitable outreach, and yet as a body takes relatively few public ideological stands.
One day Bob and Sally happen to be with a group from the local community “Ministerial” which is trying to build mutual understanding among the religious groups of the area. People are asked to draw a picture of how their churches operate.
Most people draw structural diagrams with solid and dotted, straight lines, and large and small boxes. All of the committees, groups, and offices are depicted; and many lines of accountability and communication are clearly defined. It looks very efficient. The only trouble is that it does not seem to work. Everyone is doing “re-structuring”, and Bob and Sally listen in on the tale of woes:
“We tried inverting the triangle,” says one church, “so that real authority in the church lies with a consensus of the people, rather than with the Minister and a few Board members.”
“We’ve been amalgamating committees”, says another church, “since we can’t find enough people to serve them anyway.”
“But we’ve been multiplying committees,” replies a third church. “We want to get as many people involved in decision-making as possible.”
“We took a whole year to re-write our Mission Statement, and another year to re-write our church constitution,” says a fourth church. “We’ve decreased the number of years anyone can serve in office, and added congregational meetings in the year.”
“We tried that,” says a fifth church. “Now we re-wrote out Mission Statement and Constitution to build more continuity with the past. Our officers now serve more years, and the congregation only meets every other year.”
On and on, the re-structuring discussion continues. It becomes apparent to Bob and Sally that nothing seems to work. No matter how they deal the cards, the game is always the same. Despite all the structural tinkering, and the years of writing new Mission Statements and Constitutions, nothing has really changed.
Finally, Bob and Sally are asked to describe how their church works. Given the context of the conversation, this isn’t easy. Where others draw straight lines, Bob and Sally only seem to draw curved lines. Where others draw boxes, they draw circles. Where others have a diagram in which everything is linked to everything else at least twice, Bob and Sally have a diagram in which some things don’t seem to be linked to anything at all! The other diagrams all look so neat, tidy, and complete. Bob and Sally’s diagram looks messy, untidy, and incomplete. Reactions from both “evangelical” and “mainline” church partners are unanimous.
“This looks like anarchy!”, some say. “This is chaos! People are allowed to go all over the place. Where is the accountability? How can you make sure nobody does something stupid or downright immoral?”
“This looks like dictatorship!”, others say. “The Minister and a few lay leaders will control everything. How can you make sure that your leadership will not do something stupid or immoral?”
“Where is the group identity?”, still others protest. “The diversity is so great that there is nothing – no dogmatic convictions or ideological positions – to hold people together!”
Bob and Sally do there best to explain. It is not anarchy, but there is an incredible ferment of activity. It is not dictatorship, but the leaders of the church are powerful motivators and visionaries. The people are, indeed, incredibly diverse, but the fact that they all agree about almost nothing doesn’t matter.
Although Bob and Sally are not very good explaining it, especially with the terminology and conceptual framework assumed by the local Ministerial, they do have one telling argument. It works. Somehow New Hope-in-the-Heart Church avoids anarchy and dictatorship, does not seem to do anything overwhelmingly stupid or immoral, and manages to celebrate amazing harmony among so many really different people. Perhaps to understand how this is possible, the Ministerial will have to step beyond its conceptual assumptions ……….. or simply confront some of its addictions!
From Here to There
Bob and Sally Public are now joyously involved in New Hope-in-the Heart Church. They have been changed, gifted, called, equipped, and sent. Even now they continue to feel the transforming touch of God in their lives, and they continue to discover new dimensions to the gifts they been given. Their own sense of calling has lead them to appreciate the many diverse callings of people around them, and they value more than ever the great Basic Vision of the church which allows all these missions to happen in the Body of Christ. The fact that they have a sense of their own destiny, that the church has invested itself to train them, and that the church has trusted them to do ministry, fills them with a deep sense of worth and responsibility.
Yet Bob and Sally have not forgotten St. Friendly-on-the-Hill Church. After all, they really were friendly, good people. True, some people feel rejected and mad that Bob and Sally left the church. A few others can’t get over their sense of guilt that somehow they failed Bob and Sally. And a few more still think Bob and Sally left because the nursery wasn’t carpeted, or because the hymnbook wasn’t good enough, and they are still tinkering with the program in the belief that Bob and Sally can be lured back again. Most of the people, however, remain very friendly with Bob and Sally, and marvel at the change in their lives. Some of their teens are involved in Bob’s drug addiction ministry; and some of their members have talked to Sally about her dream of an Elder Day Care Center. The Model Railroad youth ministry, of course, has been described in the local newspaper.
Some of the St. Friendly-on-the-Hill people begin to talk with Bob and Sally more seriously. They actually came to visit as representatives of the church, seeking only to listen and learn from Bob and Sally. Others are actually surveying total strangers in the community to discover what they can do to address public interest more effectively. Bob and Sally are deeply moved. Perhaps New Hope-in-the-Heart Church can help St. Friendly-on-the-Hill, not to simply imitate their church life, but to discover some new way of thriving that is right for the unique context around St. Friendly-on-the-Hill.
Bob and Sally talk about it with the woman who has been their mentor, small group leader, and spiritual guide throughout their church experience. This is the woman who first visited them as newcomers to the church, who sat with them in worship, and who guided them into the small group spirituality of the church. Edith tells them a remarkable story:
“You know,” Edith says, “New Hope-in-the-Heart Church was not always this way. In fact, some years ago, it was a traditional, declining church just like St. Friendly. The congregation at the time was called “Old Faithful Church”. Back in the 40’s and 50’s it was a really big church, but by the 80’s only about 30 people worshipped inside the big, old, beautiful building. Basically, they were great folks, who were in deep trouble. Then one day things began to change … really change. Funny to say, when things began to change, almost everyone between 50 and 60 years old left the church. It seemed like the only remaining ones were either under 40, or over 90! But I guess they figured they didn’t have anything to lose, so they kept on changing. Eventually they tore down the old building, re-located, and things started happening in a brand new way. Looking back on it, I think even they thought it was a bit crazy. Now, I guess, it looks like the power of God.”